Bright & Tight Origin Story: An Epic Poem in Three Parts
**Question: is this supposed to be non-alcoholic?**
Five years ago, as a dark January day was dawning, the first rays of light burst forth across the Atlantic Ocean, bathing the great state of New Jersey in bitter cold, glittering gold light. A merry band of East Coast fools had risen early to begin their travels to a land they’d only heard whispers of from their esteemed elders, Grover the Gregarious & Xenia the Clumsy. Unbeknownst to our handful of hooligans, their early morning glitter bath had imbued their souls with the energy of [insert something here / a large fist-pumping drunken dragon who dwells under the boardwalks of the Jersey shore]. As they boarded their Virgin™ flight cross-country to begin their ultimate journey, all they had to guide them were three basic tenets: Play Fun, Have Social, Be Sports.
Upon reaching their new West Coast wonderland, they immediately departed in search of relaxation and refreshment — overcoming many a perilous seagull along the way. By dusk, they’d conquered the sand and the waves that stretched out into the great beyond, frolicking and chasing plastic up and down this new shore. They vowed to resurrect the ancient spirit of Susan, an almighty Flamingo Goddess who patrols the surf and protects all who attempt to be as floaty as she.
And thus they fulfilled their first of three tenets: Play Fun.
As the sun disappeared over the Pacific Ocean that first fateful day, its last rays of light bestowed a second gift unto these souls — for they had traveled far enough to see the sun rise over one ocean and set beyond another. These frolicking fools were deemed worthy to harness the powers of old: to glitter all day and glow all night, like some sort of miraculous fireball. They illuminated Santa Monica that night with their Bright & Tight light, dirty dancing out on the pier until it became structurally unsound, communicating solely via fist pump, and singing songs from their homeland with pride at karaoke. At last they stumbled upon the only light that shone brighter than them: McDonald’s™. They accepted Ronald’s luminous challenge, packing their pockets full of nuggets, absconding with them back to their hotel room, and feasting wildly in ceremonial bathrobes until falling into a gentle slumber.
And thus they fulfilled their second of three tenets: Have Social.
When they awoke, their little minds could barely grasp the beauty of the spectacle before them. Having only known the Jersey Shore their whole lives, our cast of (hungover) characters found these fields to be like something from a dream – free of rusty nails and glass, with clean bathrooms nearby, and downright balmy temperatures in the dead of winter. They commenced their first game slightly daunted: exposing their neglected skin to sunlight for the first time in months, attempting to run on the amorphous substance that is sand, and trying not to think of how many nuggets they had each consumed mere hours earlier. Had it been folly to journey all this way, only to return with sunburns and stomach ulcers?
But nay, the tides turned in favor of our heroes, as they erected sand couches on the sidelines, screened themselves with ample protection (SPF50 at minimum; rainbow glitter at maximum), and built solidarity among the ranks – assessing penalties for falling down yet sharing the burden amongst all. Like the drunken dragon now inhabiting their souls, they threw hammered hammers and befuddled breaks, tottering their way into a finals bracket and somehow managing to win, without the barest trace of strategy uttered betwixt them. But more importantly, for two whole days and two whole nights, these glitter fiends spread joy to as many people as they could find on those sandy plains, dousing all in shimmer and shine until no teams remained… Instead, there was just one big sparkly beach family – they had unleashed the sun dragons trapped inside every soul.
And thus they fulfilled their third and final tenet: Be Sports.
It is said that after achieving their West Coast BRIGHT&TIGHT enLIGHTenment, these sandy scallywags begrudgingly returned to New Jersey, scoured themselves of all remnant glitter, and scattered across the Eastern seaboard to reintegrate with normal adult human populations. But legend has it that their souls reconvene on the beaches of Lei Out each January, bringing a fistful of sparkle and a pocketful of nuggets to all who live up to their brightest tightest tenets.
P.S. Apologies to anyone we’ve glittered nonconsensually in years past; we’ve trained the dragon to respect boundaries & now will only make you sparkle upon request.
P.P.S. Susan passed down an ancient proclamation from the sea, so we must abide by her wishes and use only environmentally-friendly glitter.